A few days ago, we had a party at the admissions office (where I work) to say goodbye to our supervisor. She was the glue that held the staff together, so (obviously) everyone was there.
At this party, we (the student ambassadors) were given “Paper Plate Awards.” Basically, they’re “awards” made by a superior for the students. They usually say silly things like “Longest Tour Given, Ever” or “Most Likely to be on Broadway.” They make us laugh, and it’s an amusing way for everyone to get a little bit of recognition.
The award I received was the “Got Her S**t Together Award.”
This is laughable for two reasons:
- I don’t cuss, and
- I most certainly do not have it all together.
Needless to say, this has been weighing heavily on my heart (why else would it warrant a blog post?). When did I become one of those people who appears to have their lives together? And how can I possibly seem like I have it all together when I—clearly—have no idea what I’m doing? Does everyone see me this way or is it a fluke?
I suppose that this certainly would seem to give merit to the idea that the ones who seem like they’ve got it all figured out are feeling just as lost as you are.
Although, I never would’ve considered myself to be the “ones” in that phrase instead of the “you.”
But I presume that’s the point, isn’t it?
Anyway, I’d like to clear the air. Right here, right now.
I, Abby Lepper, do not have my life together. I don’t even know if I’m going to eat dinner tonight simply because I don’t feel like getting up. Surely someone who knew what they were doing with themselves wouldn’t be doing that.
I’m hopelessly confused, and uncertain, and indecisive. I’m torn between practicality and a dream. I fight myself on everything. I’ve picked my major, but have no clue what my career will be, and I cry a lot. And I mean a lot.
Let me give you an example.
Recently, after leaving the large group of our Christian Fellowship, I was really feeling the feels, if you know what I mean. When I returned to my room, I saw that my roommate had left my window open. Usually no big deal. But that day it was the END OF ALL THINGS. Then, I went to close it—the window was having none of that. I had to use all of my weight as I struggled against the grinding metal (that was in much need of some love and WD-40) to get it to move a mere inch. The END OF ALL THINGS Part 2. Then, a gross spider the size of a quarter attacked me. The END OF ALL THINGS Part 3.
I ran to my neighbor and best friend, Anne, in tears, begging her to help me kill it.
Let me stress that usually these things wouldn’t have been such an issue, but in the midst of my mental breakdown, I couldn’t force myself to function.
Anne still mocks me.
If this tells you anything, let it be that I do not have it all together. I promise you.
Okay, so fine, I get good grades. I’m passionate about a lot of things. I eat healthfully and workout, but even that doesn’t go according to plan about 25% of my days.
So maybe there’s a lesson to learn in all of this. Maybe there’s not. Maybe the people who made my award don’t know me well enough to know how much of a complete basket case I am.
But maybe I have it more together than I give myself credit for.
Thus, I will continue to stay lost, and confused, and indecisive, and awkward because those, my friends, are my identifiers. BUT I’m going to (try to) stop being so hard on myself. I do not have to be perfect. I just have to be myself, and love Jesus, and love others. Those are three things that I think I can do.
Maybe that’s all it takes to have it “all together.”