It’s been a long time since I’ve posted here. Too long, I think, although God might tell you otherwise.
I needed time to figure myself out which is something that I absolutely hate admitting. I tend to pride myself on being self-aware. Therefore, each time I learn a new thing about myself, I think, “That’s it! This is the ticket! Surely there’s nothing else for me to learn about myself! I can’t imagine being any more self-aware than I am right now!”
These are precisely the moments that God likes to take me down off the pedestals I’ve precariously crafted and sat myself upon.
Now, let me clarify: I’m a soul-searcher. I will soul-search until the day’s end and then keep searching. I guess that’s because half of me is introverted. Sometimes, though, this really leads to some problems.
I get too tangled in my thoughts, and maybe that’s anxiety—but maybe it’s just a part of who I am. Still, I’ve had to learn to accept this part of me for what it is. I overthink everything, I rationalize bad behaviors, I dwell on the negative parts of myself because I am constantly looking for something to fix.
Admitting this is one thing, but accepting it is another. It was a process, and oh boy, did I fail a lot—but I learned to accept myself for who I am, just as I am, in whatever stage I’m in. Now, yes, there are still things that I recognize as something that needs to be changed. For instance, perhaps it’s not the most healthy to “dwell on the negative” parts of yourself. In fact, I promise you: it’s not. But once you accept that (insert action here) is something that you do, something that may even be large enough to define you, you can acknowledge it, love yourself anyway, and change it in a way that’s positive rather than looking at yourself as a broken toy that needs to be fixed.
The more you see yourself as broken, the more broken you will allow yourself to become. And my beautiful, wonderful, lovely friends, that’s just not okay.